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  'EVISCERATED PANDA - A METAL TALE' COMPETITION WINNERS ANNOUNCED
23rd August 2012

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We got four competition copies of 'Eviscerated Panda - A Metal Tale' by Sarah Tipper and all you had to do to win one of them was answer the simple question below.

Who is the lead singer of Eviscerated Panda?

The answer of course was 'Nick' and the four winners were:

Russ Whitlam
Dave Williams
Julia Johnson
Lisa Petersen

Congratulations - your books are on the way to you.

This is author Sarah Tipper's first book, and what a fantastic book it is. The story tells the story of the band including all the trials and tribulations of life while at the same time being in a band who are trying to make it into the big time – love, hate, lust and loss are mixed in with the tales of good and bad gigs and promoters are all served up here with a smattering of comedy to bind the whole tale together.

And here's an extract from the book for your emjoyment.

A Girl's Guide to Metal by Cleo Howard

If you've only recently started listening to metal (hello *waves horns*, you have made a great choice, nice to have you on board the crazy train) there might be some things that need explaining. Maybe you've never done some of the great fun metal activities, maybe you need wardrobe advice or maybe you've got a problem in your life of love. All these are covered in this guide and what's more they're covered in leather and then studded. Hell yes!

If you are a boy and are reading this guide loads of the stuff in here is relevant to you and it's always good to get the perspective of the opposite gender. If you are a boy you can wee standing up at festivals and I will hold that against you just a teeny, teeny bit. However, if you have lovely long hair or tattoos or own Slayer's South of Heaven album I will forgive you.

If you are a panda and you're reading this then wow! I knew you guys were secretly very clever and I know that you eat things other than bamboo when we're not looking. Keep up the nice work with the eye make-up you cuddly looking but dangerous fluffy chaps. Reader, the highway to hell awaits you. I'd imagine there isn't anything you'd rather do.

The Music

These ten albums are essential listening.

AC/DC - Back in Black. From the first metallic 'Donggggg!!!!' of 'Hells Bells' to the final and masterful assertion that 'Rock and Roll Ain't Noise Pollution' this album is superb.

Iron Maiden – Iron Maiden. It's no coincidence that Phantom of the Opera was used to advertise Lucozade. This album could heal the sick.

Judas Priest – British Steel. You don't have to be old to be wise enough to recognise that this is a classic album.

Megadeth – So far so good so what. This album has so much energy you'd think it's been eating golden syrup. I love angry Dave. If he wasn't ginger would he still be so angry?

Metallica- Kill 'em all. Sadly Cliff Burton did not live long enough but he did leave this wonderful legacy that kick started a chain reaction of what would become thrash metal.

Ozzy Osbourne – Ozzmosis. You should be careful not to store this near less good albums or there may be a net movement of awesomeness in the direction of the less good albums.

Pantera – Vulgar Display of Power. What do you call Pantera in just their underpants with daffodils sticking out of them? A vulgar display of flowers!

Danzig – Danzig. This album should be kept where you can see it. It's so dark and twisted it might sneak off and do mischief.

Bolt Thrower – In Battle There Is No Law. Just look at the cover. You need this in your life.

Suicidal Tendencies – Join The Army. If this can't recruit you to a life of listening to metal then there is no hope.

Metal subgenres.

You might find it fun to split metal up into sub-types. If so you were probably the kind of kid who put all their felt tips away in colour order. Anyway, here are some subtypes of metal and suggestions for listening. Thrash Metal (Nuclear Assault, Anthrax, Kreator), Death Metal (Death, Cannibal Corpse, Napalm Death), Heavy Metal (Motörhead, Black Sabbath, Manowar) Industrial Metal (Nine Inch Nails, Ministry, Rammstein).

Metal fans also tend to appreciate Punk (be it British such as Sub-humans, Anti-Nowhere League, The Damned or North American such as Minor Threat, Black Flag, The Ramones) and Goth (The Sisters of Mercy, The Cure, Alien Sex Fiend).

I'm bored already and we haven't even covered black metal and power metal. Just listen to what you like, it doesn't matter if your computer wants you to specify a genre when uploading music.

The Fashion

Black band T shirts. Get some, wear them. Admire those belonging to other people. Use them to start conversations that lead to friendships and much more. Choose T shirts of your favourite bands. Don't wear a T shirt of a band you know nothing about, you'll be unable to talk to other fans about it. Gigs are a good place to buy T shirts because then they are also a souvenir. The band's official website is a good place to look and rare T shirts are often sold on ebay.

Avoid buying bootleg T shirts outside gigs, these are always poor quality and bands need the income from the merchandise they sell to continue recording and touring.

Do not tumble dry your T shirts too hot or they'll shrink. There are girlie T shirts available quite often nowadays but you might need to buy men's T shirts if they aren't. This is okay if you are tallish but you will probably find they are too long if you're short. If you are short you could cut them to the right length and hem them (ask your Nan for help). Swearing and graphic images on T shirts is fine in appropriate situations like rock pubs, but not when going for a job interview or visiting a nursing home.

Horns. Although not an item of clothing horns are a basic way to display you are a metal fan. Places to show your horns are when meeting a fellow metal fan and at gigs, especially when requested by the band. Places to not throw the horns are garden centres and appraisal meetings at work (although there may be exceptions, depending on what your job is).

Jeans. There are lots of styles to choose from. Flares can be worn with a Misfits T shirt for a nice homage to Cliff Burton. Black tight stretch jeans are favoured by thrash and death metal fans and by goths but can be unflattering if you're a Whole Lotta Rosie. Tight stretch jeans with ankle zips are favoured by people with no taste in trousers. Boot cut jeans tend to be flattering on most body shapes. Nu-metal parallel cut jeans are comfortable. Leather jeans can be very uncomfortable in hot weather.

Don't do the vacuuming in flares or parallel cut jeans. You will spend half the time vacuuming and un-vacuuming the bottom of your trousers. Also be careful on really wet days that this type of trouser doesn't soak up lots of water and fall down.

Studs and studded belts. Get some studs and put them on anything at all, underpants, nightdresses, nothing is not improved by the addition of studs. You can wear a studded belt just as you would a normal belt, threaded through all the belt loops on your trousers to keep your trousers up. Or, you can wear a wide studded belt with two or three rows of studs around your hips. Bullet belts can also be worn around your hips but they are heavy so ensure this doesn't result in your trousers falling down. You could also wear two studded belts, ideally in two different colours, loosely slung around your jeans by threading them through one or two of the belt loops on your trousers or skirt. Jodie Marsh wore two studded belts in a criss-cross arrangement as a top when looking for a husband. She may have been planning to use them to lasso any suitable quarry that came within striking distance. Until further research has been done this is not advised.

Tattoos and Piercings. Think very carefully before either of these. You will meet drunken old men in pubs who tell you that they regret all their tattoos. Just because they were too daft to decide what they really wanted doesn't mean you will be but don't rush into anything. Piercings will leave a scar if you decide to remove them at a later date so don't have these done without considering the possible impact it could have on your body. Don't get your tongue pierced because your boyfriend saw Pulp Fiction and has offered to pay for it. Also think about your future career plans when choosing where and what to have pierced and tattooed. Go to a reputable tattooist or piercer. Do what they recommend for aftercare.

Hair. Women can have any colour and style of hair. However, as in mainstream society long is favoured. Men generally opt for long hair because it is not favoured in mainstream society.

Leather and pleather. Leather is lovely, smells wonderful and is very long lasting. A leather skirt can last decades and not look dated if you buy a plain one. If you have ethical reasons for not wanting to wear leather or are on a budget then PVC or pleather is good too.

Waistcoats. Wear with caution. It's mainly only bikers that look good in waistcoats. A denim waistcoat covered in patches is still a very popular look in Germany and if the patches are sewn on neatly and are well-chosen it can look good.

Fringing and tassels. If you're tempted to wear anything featuring these I suggest you check your calendar. Is it Nineteen-Eighty-Five? No? Then take it off. Take if off now and we'll say no more about it.

Double denim. This should be avoided unless you want to look like Status Quo in the Nineteen-seventies. At this time Rick Parfitt was well worth a second look so you decide.

Other accessories. Band logo patches can be sewn onto bags to metal them up a bit, scarves with skull prints can be worn round your neck if it's cold or on your head if it's hot to avoid sunstroke, fishnet tights or coloured tights can liven up an otherwise dull outfit.

Advanced metal fashion. If you've decided metal is for you then you could go shopping in Camden (or on the internet if you live really far from London). Put together your own look by trying on black skirts and dresses, leather, PVC, velvet, corsets, and then add some colour to your wardrobe. The most popular metal colours are red and purple but you can wear any colour with black. You will also need a white school shirt and a tie for wearing to AC/DC tribute band gigs. Some of Vivienne Westwood and Alexander McQueen's clothing is amazing if you can afford it and if not there is always DIY fashion, adding studs, patches and safety pins to basic inexpensive items. Heavy Metal capsule wardrobe. This could consist of a band T shirt, a black skirt, black leggings or tights, black nail varnish and eyeliner, black leather jacket, black boots, a studded belt and a necklace with a skull on.

No beige ever.

Gigs

Check listings for your favourite venues regularly so you don't miss anything. Alice Cooper make-up should be practised in advance. It's easy to slip from Alice to panda. At some gigs cool accessories are sold. You might be able to get battery operated light up horns at AC/DC or red spotted neckerchiefs at The Wurzels. Generally you'll enjoy gigs much more if you are familiar with the bands' music so try and listen to some of the support acts stuff before you go. Gigs are best when you are with a group of friends who love the band as much as you do.

Festivals

At Festivals, don't wander about in the camping area with your loo roll in your hand, you will see someone you really fancy. Do get used to men weeing all over the place. The penis envy will wear off after you get home. Festival comedown is inevitable. Make sure you have something good to look forward to when you get home, like a big cake, a new tattoo or a gig to go to. Leather or PVC skirts are good at festivals as they can be wiped clean.

Most women agree that camping sucks. Although, it's nice to wake up still wearing last night's clothes for a reason other than being too drunk to take them off. Camping happens outdoors and is most often cold and wet. However, it doesn't suck as much as not going to festivals does. Listen to AC/DC's 'Let's get it up' while erecting your tent. If you can afford to stay in a hotel and avoid camping then do so.

The less make up you wear when you're out all day, the less awful it looks later. Avoid sunburn. Wear a hat, cap or bandana. You will also need a big jumper or cardigan as it will get cold at night. Queue for the toilet before you really, really need to go. Not everyone can be at the front, why do bands demand everyone get down the front right now? It's not possible. Maybe because shouting 'I want to see everyone staying approximately where they are, because they've probably chosen to stand there because that's where they wanted to stand' isn't a great rousing thing to shout.

Metal Love and Sex

Generally metal guys tend to be open minded. Do whatever you want to do. It's your body. You have freedom to do what you want and freedom from doing anything you'd rather not. Don't forget this.

Generally the less heavy types of heavy metal address the issues of love and sex more than the very heavy types of metal. I can only think of Flotsam and Jetsam's 'Hammerhead' as an example of a thrash song about sex but I'd be pleased to hear of some others.

Sometimes you might think a song is about sex when it isn't. AC/DC sometimes seem to sing about sex but really it's gambling (for instance 'Big Jack', from the Black Ice album) and then you think they're singing about gambling but actually it's sex and gambling ('The Jack'). Also, 'Sink The Pink' is about pool and sex and 'Let's Make It' is about just sex. This is confusing and should be kept in mind if you ever meet Brian Johnson and he offers to accompany you in an activity.

When Glenn Danzig is singing about a juju bone it isn't his penis. When David St Hubbins sings about his pink torpedo it is. Kiss's Love gun is a penis but probably a sub-standard one as they claim 'Girl I can make you feel okay'. I already feel okay so I'll pass thanks, Kiss.

Zodiac Mindwarp is the very best at this kind of hyperbolic sexual boasting. You aren't meant to take it literally and get all offended. If he had indeed had twenty-thousand women, he'd needed to have slept with a woman a day from when he was born until he was fifty-five. Compare this to Gene Simmons who claims to have slept with four thousand and six hundred women. Gene is sixty-one years old. If we assume he began having sex at sixteen then that's sixteen thousand, four hundred and twenty-five days of being sexually active, he'd have had to have slept with zero point twenty-eight of a woman per day, so it's do-able and he might well have done. At the very least he's done the maths.

Zodiac Mindwarp's lightning rod is his penis, as is his gun, his six-string schizo psycho rod, his sex machine-gun, his key to your ignition, his Frankenstein, his chainsaw, his king of love and his criminal, that he requests you set free. I think Lordi's Wake the snake is genital based. Consult with a friend if you aren't sure. Other sexual showing off is done by WASP in the song Animal, although sadly this doesn't get played live anymore as Blackie Lawless has got religion. He also broke the beige rule at Wacken in 2010 and wore some very odd footwear. Type O Negative are very frisky, especially My Girlfriend's Girlfriend and Danzig is often singing about sex or publishing comics with nakedness in.

The best music to have sex to is Type O Negative, Danzig or Napalm Death. Do not try Lawnmower Deth or you will laugh it out. Avoid Rush or you may fall asleep before reaching a successful conclusion. Just avoid Rush. The most acceptable metal men to fancy are Tom Araya, Zakk Wylde, Peter Steele and Rob Flynn. The most unacceptable men to fancy are Rick Wakeman, anyone with a mullet and David Hasslehoff (okay, so he has leather trousers and longish hair but he is not heavy metal). If your man plays air guitar during sex try to position yourself in such a way that it will enhance your enjoyment of the experience rather than hinder it. If all goes well you could have a Heavy Metal wedding, with skull print tablecloths and confetti in the shape of bats.

Metal Activities

Listening to music and going to gigs are obviously the best activities. Going to a pub that plays rock and metal is another.

Consider being in a band, have you got any musical talent? Are you motivated to get some? If so do this but remember that being in a band takes a real commitment, you'll have to practice often, co-operate with other people and be confident enough to sing or play on stage.

Why not build a small shrine to Lemmy, Ozzy or your favourite band?

The pants game is simple to play, just substitute pants for a part of a band name, for instance, Iron Pants or Pants of God. You can substitute pants for another rude word.

Wouldn't it be great if there was a heavy metal version of Hello magazine? It could be called Horns and feature Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne. Why not write one.

Metal Myths Dispelled.

When you don a black T Shirt people might be discomfited and might try to dissuade you from listening to Metal. Ignore them. You won't grow out of it. You will be able to get a job. Body piercing jewellery is not made of magnetic metals so you will not be inconvenienced by magnets. You won't necessarily start sacrificing goats (but you can if you like, their cheese is horrible).

Suggestions for Further Reading.

Hell Bent For Leather by Seb Hunter.

White Line Fever: Lemmy The Autobiography by Ian Kilminster.

I Am Ozzy by Ozzy Osbourne.

For advanced reading try Fucked by Rock - The Unspeakable Confessions of “Zodiac Mindwarp” – Mark Manning. This is not a nice glossy coffee table book and is very dark so don't read this unless you want a peek at some proper depravity.

Click here for MetalTalk's review of this great book...






 
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hayseed dixie HAYSEED DIXIE REACT TO CHARLIE HEBDO ATTACKS WITH NEW VIDEO AND START MASSIVE TOUR THIS WEEK
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skarlett riot SKARLETT RIOT TO RELEASE NEW SINGLE THIS MONTH AND NEW ALBUM IN FEBRUARY
Following on from their hugely successful debut album Skarlett Riot return with the riff-packed, hood laden 'We Are The Brave'...

furyon FURYON CHANGE RELEASE DATE OF SECOND ALBUM
What's to be expected is more explosive guitar riffs and solos in well-crafted song form...

bomber music BOMBER MUSIC ARE OFFERING A NUMBER OF FREE RELEASES
The UK Punk Rock Record Label have a selection of the best underground acts for your listening pleasure...

steve hackett STEVE HACKETT ANNOUNCES NEW SOLO STUDIO ALBUM 'WOLFLIGHT' OUT ON 30TH MARCH
The ten tracks take the listener through a journey in space and time looking at the different faces of the endless fight for freedom...

adrian smith IRON MAIDEN'S ADRIAN SMITH ROCKS UP IN CHISWICK WITH DOOGIE WHITE, ANDY BARNETT AND DAVE 'BUCKET' COLWELL
MetalTalk's first Gig Of The Week for 2015 turned up two major surprises as a great night was had by all...

sabaton SABATON ANNOUNCE "SABATON OPEN AIR" WITH POWERWOLF AND CIVIL WAR
Tickets are on sale now for this special event in Germany in July...

pig iron PIG IRON ANNOUNCE RELEASE DATE FOR FIFTH STUDIO ALBUM
'Sermons From The Church Of Blues Restitution' will be released worldwide via OYR on 2nd March and will be preceded by a high value four track EP...

sonata arctica SONATA ARCTICA ANNOUNCE EXCLUSIVE LONDON SHOW FOR 'ECLIPTICA OVER EUROPE TOUR 2015'
"On these shows we'll perform 'Ecliptica' in its entirety as well as assorted hits from our catalog..."

skalmold SKALMOLD UNVEIL NEW SPRING TOUR DATES WITH ELUVEITIE AND WIND ROSE
For those who didn't catch the Viking/Pagan Metallers live on tour, here's another chance...

nathan james NATHAN JAMES OF TRANS SIBERIAN ORCHESTRA IS THE NEW LEAD SINGER OF INGLORIOUS
Nathan is now looking forward to moving forward with his own band...

36 crazyfists 36 CRAZYFISTS REVEAL VIDEO FOR 'ALSO AM I'
36 Crazyfists can be seen in the UK in February on their headlining tour...

t rex TYRANNOSAURUS REX ANNOUNCE DELUXE CD & VINYL REISSUES FOR 3 ALBUMS + LIMITED EDITION 7" SINGLES
These new editions will contain substantial previously unreleased material...

tony iommi BLACK SABBATH LEGEND TONY IOMMI TELLS ALL ABOUT HIS CANCER BATTLE
"In the good old days there was cocaine everywhere. This time we had tea and coffee and health drinks..."

cradle of filth CRADLE OF FILTH PROVIDE UPDATE ON THE RECORDING OF THE LATEST ALBUM
Things are shaping up nicely for the new album wiht lots of activity in darkest Suffolk...

def con one DEF CON ONE ANNOUNCE CRUSHING HEADS TOUR
British Metallers Def Con One can be seen across the UK in 2015...

manowar MANOWAR RETURN TO BRAZIL FOR THE MONSTERS OF ROCK FESTIVAL IN SAO PAULO ON APRIL 26, 2015
"We played the Monsters Of Rock Festival in São Paulo in 1998 and I remember that during the sound-check two of my speakers on stage actually caught fire..."

saxon SAXON DRUMMER NIGEL GLOCKLER OUT OF HOSPITAL, UDO'S SON TO STAND IN ON RESCHEDULED UK DATES
A positive start to 2015 for Saxon...

randy bachman RANDY BACHMAN ANNOUNCES 'HEAVY BLUES' ALBUM WITH NEIL YOUNG, JOE BONAMASSA AND PETER FRAMPTON
"Don't do the same thing and say it's a new album... Stop, get out of the box, do something fearless, be fierce, be ferocious, reinvent yourself..."

marilyn manson MARILYN MANSON PREMIERES OFFICIAL MUSIC VIDEO FOR 'DEEP SIX'
The first single from Manson's forthcoming album 'The Pale Emperor' was directed by surrealist artist Bart Hess...

uriah heep URIAH HEEP ANNOUNCE NEW LIVE PACKAGE
'Live At Koko, London 2014' is on its way in February 2015, along with plenty more chances to see Uriah Heep live...

absolva ABSOLVA ANNOUNCE FIRST TOUR DATES FOR 2015
"We're very lucky to be able to add my brother Luke Appleton of Iced Earth on second guitar for these tour dates..."

dark funeral DARK FUNERAL UNLEASH NEW SONG & VIDEO 'NAIL THEM TO THE CROSS'
A new dawn rises and Dark Funeral open the gates to a new chapter of furious, intense and merciless Black Metal...

almighty THE ALMIGHTY CLASSIC EARLY ALBUMS TO BE OFFICIALY RE-LAUNCHED COMPLETE WITH EXTENSIVE BONUS CONTENT
The first two Almighty Re-issues will be made available via Spinefarm Records on February 9th 2015...

36 crazyfists 36 CRAZYFISTS ANNOUNCE FEBRUARY 2015 HEADLINE UK TOUR PLUS NEW ALBUM DETAILS REVEALED
This month-long outing aligns with the February 16th release of the group's sixth album, 'Time And Trauma'...

ac dc AC/DC ANNOUNCE EUROPEAN DATES
Tickets for AC/DC at Wembley will go on sale from 9.30am Wednesday 17th December...

eric martin ERIC MARTIN CONFIRMS RESCHEDULED UK TOUR DATES AND ADDS FOUR NEW SHOWS
Eric will play thirteen shows in the UK and Ireland over a two and a half week period to make up for the unfortunate circumstance that caused the cancellation...

manowar MANOWAR ANNOUNCE WARSAW, POLAND AS NEXT DESTINATION ON 2016 WORLD TOUR
Manowar return to Poland after their debut performance there in 2014...

exploited THE EXPLOITED ARE BACK WITH A VENGEANCE
Great news that the punk legends are back and ready to go following singer Wattie Buchan's heart attack...

rainbow RAINBOW RELEASE 'A LIGHT IN THE BLACK' NEW 6 CD/DVD BOXSET
This career box set covers the entire Polydor career of Rainbow, featuring rare and unheard tracks as well as fan favourites and the famed concert at Monsters of Rock in 1980...

metalhead FEATURE FILM 'METALHEAD' STREAMS ONLINE AT VIMEO-ON-DEMAND IN SELECTED COUNTRIES
The award-winning film 'Metalhead' has a classic soundtrack and dark intense performances...

electric wizard ELECTRIC WIZARD ANNOUNCE ROUNDHOUSE LONDON SHOW FOR MAY 2015
Electric Wizard will also appear at the Un Tune Music & Arts festival, Berlin...

alan parsons THE ALAN PARSONS LIVE PROJECT ARE CONFIRMED FOR LONDON 02 SHEPHERDS BUSH EMPIRE ON MARCH 18TH
The greatest hits show will be the first UK concert in over ten years for the prog luminaries...

scott stapp CREED'S SCOTT STAPP CLAIMS HE IS ON A MISSION TO ASSASSINATE PRESIDENT OBAMA
A tape of a 911 call from relatives has emerged, detailing another extraordinary happening in the continued downward spiral of Creed's Scott Stapp...

kk downing KK DOWNING LAUNCHES WORLD'S FIRST EVER HEAVY METAL FRAGRANCES
"I think I just woke up one morning and thought of the word 'Metal'..."

hellfest HELLFEST ANNOUNCE ANOTHER WAVE OF BANDS PLUS WEEKEND TICKETS NOW SOLD OUT
The second wave of bands have been confirmed for Hellfest in Clisson, France...

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