"I am a spy in the house of me. I report back from the front lines of the battle that is me..." Carrie Fisher
To para-phrase the incredibly intuitive and articulate Miss Fisher, in any given year, statistically one in four Americans are affected by a range of mental disorders. That means millions of people are totally fuckin' batshit crazy.
Not that we here in the UK don't also have our own, unique brand of lunacy. At the start of the 19th century Napoleonic Wars, so the legend goes, in a small fishing town on the English north-east coast a French shipwreck was washed up on the beach. The only survivor was a monkey, often kept as mascots on warships, allegedly dressed in a costume for the crew's amusement.
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Fearing this was the start of the French invasion the monkey was immediately arrested as a possible French spy. During the trial, after being tortured to try to gain information on the French battle plans, the monkey only answered the questioning in "gibberish": proof beyond doubt he was a Frenchman.
"How do you plead to these dastardly charges, Frenchie?" No answer? Defendant refuses to even speak the King's English'. Bang of the gavel: guilty and sentenced to death. Hang the fucker...
Presumably the whole town turned out to watch the spectacle of the small, hairy, naked 'Frenchman' being strung up in the town square; cheering and clapping at their contribution to the war effort.
Where do I even fuckin' start on this one? Did no-one think to wonder why a Frenchman, famous for being the suave, sophisticated, lover, was so fucking hairy? Don't they have full body waxing in France? Must be indisguise, up to something sly.
I guess they were re-assured of winning the war when the troops arrived. "Don't know what all the fuss is about. We're gonna kick the shit outta these little fuckers. Slaughter 'em by the dozen wiv a pen-knife..."
The town has a plaque commemorating the event, obviously proud of being the fuckin' "monkey hangers". In 2002, Stuart Drummond campaigned for the office of Mayor of the town dressed as a monkey. His election slogan was "free bananas for schoolchildren": he lied... no bananas for the poor little monkeys. He won and was re-elected twice. Kinda says it all really.
So next time you're on tour, in the back of the van wiv yer mates, on your way to the next night's gig, and you find yourself near Hartlepool; make a quick stop to see for yourself the madness that exists all around us. Just think twice about staying...
Monkeys, politicians... monkeys, politicians. I sense a theme: I am the weaver. More fuckin' "suits".
THE INTREPID FOX is re-instating it's policy of refusing admission, on week-end nights, to anybody wearing a business suit and tie (unless worn as part of a rock 'n roll look). Anyone refusing to remove their tie is welcome to request that security give the fox a shout and we'll come an' cut it off for you!!! (if you still wanna come in, that is!).
See, that's what life is all about: you always gotta have choices and some form of entertainment. It's when those things are taken away from you that you run the risk of going crazy. The obvious exceptions to this policy are our friends at the police, licensing and emergency services.
Speaking of emergencies, almost three years ago the big earthquake and tsunami hit Japan and despite the enormous effort and contribution, sadly still many are suffering in the stricken area. So, The Fox is proud to be hosting TEO TORRIATTE's annual charity show, upstairs in THE BOM SHELTR, on Thursday 6th; this year headlined by the mighty PIG IRON, supported by Brighton heavy rockers BLACK STATE HIGHWAY.
All proceeds go towards the 'TENOHIRA NI TAIYO NO IE' project which is a recuperation home for families of the tragedy. Friday 7th we have THE SELF TITLED & FERAL SUN live; afterwards, metal club night RETRIBUTION.
Saturday 8th the ever-sultry MIA KLOSE makes a live return, followed by one of our longest-running regular club nights, METAL DEMENTIA.
Tuesday 11th, THE ROYAL BLASPHEMY, ANTI-CLONE and FRANTIC ALICE play a one-off special. Just how much entertainment can we give you in one week, you lucky motherfuckers...?
So check out the calendar for details and come down and fuckin' party with us!!!
THE INTREPID FOX now has four weeks before it's eviction from it's home here on St Giles High Street. Every week we shall be posting a new statement at 5.00pm on the Tuesday. We ask our many friends out there to please share.
Signing off, for this week, with a big thanks to the guys from Sunderland who let off a fuckin' fire extinguisher in my boozer on Sunday: what if you were in a burning building some day, about to be engulfed in flames, and when you press the handle on the safety equipment you find some fucker's emptied it???
Leaving, as I started, with the words of the wonderful Carrie Fisher...
"I am very sane about how crazy I am..."
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